Smiles

I am just loving being a mother.

Don't get me wrong, its not easy. Getting up every four hours at night is exhausting, and I find if she wakes up after 3 and a half hours I can actually cry. Just that half an hour is so important to me! Breastfeeding is also not that easy, being the only one who can feed my precious one and spending hours sitting alone in rooms at parties, isn't fun. As for the projectile vomiting and explosive pooing... Well that's another story all together!

But all in all? Its much easier than I thought it would be! I don't know what I expected, but I really thought it would be worse. I expected much less sleep and I expected breastfeeding to be really painful. The stories everyone told me, I was convinced I'd be a tired bleeding nippled crazy person. But I'm not. Well I am still a crazy person, due to sleep deprivation! But I still function ok.

I still feel incredibly incompetent most of the time. I don't seem to ever know what to do when, and I'm constantly sending messages to all my other mommy friends asking for help and advice. Thankfully they're all fantastic and offer constant reassurance and support.

Things I haven't figures out yet:
1. How to breastfeed or express without getting full of milk or getting Lily full of milk. The other day I somehow managed to spray her in the eye. I laughed for ages about that, which probably makes me a bad mommy but she didn't seem to fazed.
2. How to avoid getting Lilys clothes, changing mat and myself full of poo when I change a poo nappy.
3. How to shower, bath or go to the toilet during the day when I don't have someone to watch her.
4. How to avoid sneezing as soon as she FINALLY falls asleep after trying to get her down for ages. Resulting in a spectacular splayed arms, wide eyed fright!
5. How to have my usual cup of coffee while its still hot in the morning. I'm to scared to drink it while holding/feeding her because I'm a notoriously bad drinker and I'm worried I spill on her. Haven't had a hot cup of coffee in ages!
6. I still don't know the words to most of the lullabies and baby songs that seem to calm her down. So I either sing twinkle twinkle little star on repeat or I make them up.
7. How to have a conversation on the phone that is not ended with, I have to go Lilys crying/hungry/awake.
8. How to not drop everything I'm doing to smile and laugh when she smiles at me. When I look at her and get a sparkly eyed smile back, I can't carry on doing what I was planning on doing, I have to smile and laugh and cuddle my sweetheart. This is mostly why I don't get anything done during the day!

Things I have mastered!
1. How to eat any meal with my fingers, left handed. Lily always seems to be hungry as soon as I sit down for a meal. And its very hard to eat with a fork when you have to do it one handed with a baby latched onto your chest, so I use my fingers. Not the most polite thing to do I know, but if I didn't, I'd starve.
2. How to eat a meal in 5 mins flat. When I do get chance to eat without feeding her, I eat so fast because I'm SURE she's gonna kick off any second.
3. Changing a wet nappy before nighttime feeds before she wakes up enough to start crying. Quick quick quick!
4. Typing blog posts/ twitter status/ facebook status/ emails or bbms with one hand on my BB
5. Night time feeds. I'm so organised they go by so easily.
6. Swaddling
7.Waking up just before she wakes for a feed, thereby avoiding any crying!
8. Singing, rocking and reading my twitter feed at the same time.

Like I've said in a previous post (101 things about me) all I've ever wanted is to be a mother, and its better than I ever thought it would be!

Puking, pooing and lack of sleep

So we're a little over 3 weeks onto our new lives, and what a three weeks its been! The first few days in the hospital we're actually nice. Shaun took time off work so he came in at 8am and left at 8pm (usually a bit later, he'd push it until they kicked him out). The first night I was so exhausted, I had woken up on Wednesday morning at 8, slept from 12 till 2 that night and then nothing until 11pm on friday evening, where I was to be found a sobbing heap with a screaming baby who couldn't latch. It was a nightmare. I didn't know what to do and I was beyond exhausted. Eventually a nurse came in to see what was up and I begged her to take Lily to the nursery so that I could just sleep for an hour. Her response? No sorry the nursery is closed tonight because we're having a maternity open day tomorrow. So we're only taking first night babies. Whew I thought, good my baby is a first night baby! Oh no she says, only ceasar babies. So I cried some more and asked her to just help me feed her. Eventually she saw that I was just not coping and said she'd take her, but would have to give her a top up feed of formula. Although I had been so adamant not to give her formula, I agreed. Its very difficult to stick to your guns when your baby is hungry! So I slept for four blissful hours and went to fetch her. She had also slept and eaten and was much happier. That night she had to go under the lights because she was a bit jaundice from the vacuum the used to pull her out. That was so traumatic! Now I can see that I was being overly dramatic but I was tired and scared and overwhelmed and she was all alone in the incubator with these little sunglasses stuck over her eyes and no clothes on and SCREAMING. She was meant to stay with me in a private room but I just couldn't take seeing her cry like that so they took her to the nursery. Again she had to have top up formula feeds, because under the lights they can dehydrate. The next day we went home, so wonderful to be in my own home with my own things! That night I gave her a bit of formula because she was hungry, but the next day my milk came in and since then we've had no problems.
She has pooed on Shaun and mom, ha ha. So funny! As soon as they open her nappy to change her it all squirts out! Ha ha. She also has a bit of a puking problem and she puked all over all of us. She projectile pukes and manages to totally cover us. So much that you have to change your outfit all the way to underwear. Ha ha. So now I have to hold her upright for 30mins after each feed so her tummy settles. Difficult to do at 3am when I'm exhausted but worth it. She slept in a two hour routine at first but is now on a 3.5 or 4hour one which is much better. I sleep with her when I can, which means that not much else gets done!
She's very very sweet and shaun and I are very much in love with her. We're slowly finding our feet and getting used to things. I'm breastfeeding and its going well, although I I can understand the allure of bottle feeding. Much more socially acceptable to whip out a bottle than a boob!

Birth Story

On wednesday morning we had a doctors appointment. Lily was 38 weeks and weighed approx 3.7. The doctor took my blood pressure & it was 150/90 or something along those lines. I have never had high blood pressure always on the low side so this meant nothing to me when he told me. He wasn't happy though & after one of the fabulous internal examinations we all know and love he said she's ready to come out. She was very low & I was about 1cm dilated already. Cervix was soft & all was fine so he scheduled an induction. I had to check into the labour ward at 10 that night and would be induced at 3 the following morning. I wasn't freaked out or worried, I was mentally prepared for a day in labour. I knew I was going to have an epidural and before that had practised my breathing and spiralling on the ball. Shaun and I went for dinner & then I had a bath and we went to the hospital. He hung out until about 11.30 then went home to sleep and I tried to sleep a bit as well. At 12 I was woken up to fill in forms but finally got to sleep about 12.30. At 3 I woke myself up and they induced me using this tampon kind of thing. Shaun arrived just after with coffee and we started our day. I was counting on her being out that evening, thinking worst case scenario. Doctor came in at 8 and checked and I was still the same as before. He told me to just take it easy because blood pressure was still high and that the sister would check again in 4 hours. So we killed time, getting more and more tired but happy and excited until 12, when they said I was still only 1cm. I was having very mild contractions but could hardly feel them. The doctor ordered Pethadine for me anyway which I refused because I've only heard bad things and there really wasn't much pain. So we then spent until 5 hanging out & trying very unsuccessfully to rest. Then the women in the labour room next door had a fast birth. The story is a bit skewed, what we overheard was that the nurses weren't paying much attention to her and suddenly she had the baby unassisted. The nurses said that they were trying to contact the anaesthetist and while they were on the phone she delivered. Whatever happened the doc came in and let rip and yelled at all of them! Not to long after that there was a women whose baby went into distress and had to be rushed off for an emergency c section. I was walking the corridor willing something to happen and the matron rushed past and yelled "you're in charge!" I was the only one not in pain yet! ha ha. At 5 the doctor came in and said I still wasnt progressing so he broke my waters- that was so weird! So much liquid pouring out of me and nothing I could do! Doctor advised I get the epidural as soon as possible because would start being very sore. So we moved to the delivery room and the nurses called for the anaesthetist. All of them were in surgery! So they called and called and eventually for Dr Jacobs who was on a bicycle ride near the hospital and said he'd come do it. He arrived all sweaty and in his riding stuff! They put a drip up- with a big nasty needle in my hand, which was quite sore but I am a real baby when it comes to needles. The doc gave me a local which stung and dint really numb anything at all and started with the epidural. I had to sit on the side of the bed and curve my back with a sister standing in front of me holding me still while he did it. It was pretty sore, like severe pressure. So he said ok your numb and I said no I'm not! So he turned it up and said now I must be and I still wasn't but was feeling something-or lack there of- on my right side. So he waited until I said yes its numb but only my right side. He didn't believe me and pinched my right side and I yelled! So he decided to do it again. So back up and we started all over again, this time i didn't feel the epidural needle at all because the local had finally kicked in. This made my right side even deader and my left side started feeling better except for my hip. I got the shivers and started being a bit loopy and they said ok cool its working and he left, I think his exact words were "you can read a newspaper now, I've given you such a strong dose". Nows where the fun started! I was lying on my left side and started feeling the contractions really strongly. I told the sister and she suggested I roll onto the other side because maybe I'm blocking the drip. As they rolled me I felt the needle in my back stick in something. I told the sister and she said no its flat it can't get caught. I asked again and she said there is no way. So I rolled over and it got worse! As I was breathing through a strong contraction the gyne came in & asked why I was in pain. So I told him the epidural wasn't woking on my left. He said I must definitely be lying on the side its not working on so that it can pool on that side. So they moved me again and again I felt the needle catch. I told the doctor and he said  that its fine and checked it but said all is ok. He wanted me to feel the contractions a bit as it would help me push. He then checked and said I was only 3cms and I needed to progress quickly now because we were running out of time. He said I had until 11 or would have to go for a c section. So he was going to give me a drug to speed up the contractions. He said it would be fine because I had the epidural so its not a problem that they'll be much more intense, but if they are to much I must have the gas to just help me a bit. He then decided to move my catheter that they had stuck on my leg with plaster. He ripped the plaster off and I screamed! Finally he believed I wasn't numb! So he turned the epidural up and said it will definitely start working now, one of the sisters must have turned it down he said. So he gave me this stuff into the drip called something with an S, to speed them up and he left. Wow. Within 2 contractions I was begging for the gas. The nurses said that the epidural had been turned down again and everyone was blaming everyone else, I swear no one touched that epidural so I have no idea what they were on about it, but all I wanted was the gas. They FINALLY after about 3 months worth of contractions bought it to me. By this stage my whole body was back to normal except for my right leg which was absolutely totally dead. I was having a contraction every minute or so and sucking the gas like it was life blood- and it really was. I can't remember half of what happened but I remember begging Shaun to call the doctor for a c section, saying that I couldn't go on, and that this was a really dumb idea-whose idea was it to have a baby anyway! I begged them to help me and call the doctor, but for 3 hours nothing happened. Then the gas ran out. Yes seriously! I felt it run out and told Shaun, but he said no no its in my mind its fine, still full. I made him go tell them it had run out and he did but he kept telling me it was full, because he knew already that it was finished and there was no more, the nurses were running around the hospital trying to find more. He was hoping placebo effect would kick in, and id think it was working. Well, it didn't. I still sucked on it with all my might but it was gone. Then my first angel arrived, in the form of an ICU midwife who had checked me in on wednesday night. She came to say hi and see how we were doing and saw the situation and cracked the whip. She made the labour staff call another anaesthetist and ask him to come and see what the problem was. I still had the epidural pumping into me with the needle in my back, but all I had was a totally dead leg. She then set about trying to find more gas. I was screaming, and cursing the hospital and the staff. I'm not a confrontational person at all, and would never swear at another person for incompetence, but I wasn't me. I was a crazy maniac. I was swearing and screaming and crying. I just wanted a rest, just a few minutes where I could catch my breath, but the contractions were coming so fast. Finally my second angel arrived, Dr Dennis looked at the epidural and said all looked fine, what the hell was going on? They then checked to see how far I was and I was 9 cms, basically ready to go. The Doc said he'll redo the epidural and the midwife said no he can't because I was to far. I then screamed at her to get me more bleeping gas then because I wasn't going to survive another second! The doctor, being the wonderful man he is, put his foot down and said I needed a new epidural, what's the point of having it in there if I was still in agony? So I had to sit up and keep as still as possible during the contractions while he did it. The midwife stood in front of me and braced me up against her and they kicked shaun out. I nearly stuck my fingers right through her arm, but I didn't move. He took the plaster off and the epidural had fallen out. I TOLD THEM! I had told them over and over that it had caught on something and no one believed me! And it was out! He then put another one in, that took forever but I started to go numb about 15 mins after he was finished. This time my left side was dead and I could feel my right side, but thakfully it was about 70% numb so the contractions were manageable. It was 1 am now and I knew I needed to try rest and regain my strength so I could push her out. The doc hadn't connected the epidural to a drip, he had given me a full dose that would last an hour. I knew that she'd take longer than that but they all seemed to think she would be here soon. So an hour later it started to wear off again, and the sister called him and he gave directions over the phone. She then gave me that dose and I was happy again. They told me to call them when I needed to push and we both tried to sleep a bit and regain out strength. I slept in 15 minute spurts because was having my pressure tested every 15mins but even that was just enough to pull myself together. I called them when I felt she was close and they called the doc and I woke up shaun. Doc then arrived and I was put into stirrups and moved into position and told how to push. I don't know how long that took, maybe half an hour, but I have no idea to be honest. I had to wait for a contraction ans take a deep breath then push without letting my breath out. wow, such hard work! She got stuck and had to be helped out using the vacuum which I hadn't wanted but there is no way your going to say that when your baby is in trouble! Suddenly she was out and on my chest and then gone again. She was pretty blue and had a score of 6 but within 5 mins she was a perfect 10. I then delivered the placenta and was stitched up, all the while shouting directions to Shaun to talk to her and not leave her alone and phone the parents and do this and that. Ha ha my wonderful patient husband. They then bought her to me again to hold and she was crying but as soon as I spoke to her she stopped and looked at me. It was such a beautiful moment. I had a chat with her then shaun did and then she had to go into the incubator because was very cold. Finally, it was over! My baby girl weighed 3.64 and was a healthy and gorgeous little bundle. She's so perfect! Her head is pretty swollen and bruised but everyone assures me that she is fine and it will go down soon. She got a bit of jaundice from that and had to go under the lights but she's fine and we're both so in love with her! What an absolute blessing we have been given!

packing, pain, packing, panicking and packing again!

For the last 3 weeks or so I have been packing and repacking and repacking my bag and Lilys bag for the hospital. I've changed the bag I've been using twice and landed up with my first choice again. Pretty much every second or third day I go through all the stuff I've packed up to now and usually add something or take something out. Its really quite ridiculous, but it makes me feel so much more in control-in a situation that Im absolutely controlless (I do'nt think that's a word but it sums up what I'm feeling). I have packed 4 outfits for Lily (and told Shaun which one is for her to wear when- I just hope he remembers! Yes it is important!) as well as a receiver and a fluffy blanket and a teddy bear- just in case she has to be away from me so shes not alone.  I've also packed her a dummy, bottle (for just in case), toiletries, wet wipes and nappies. I've packed it all in her gorgeous Lou Harvey nappy bag that my mom bought us, its amazing!

 For me I've used a pink duffel bag I bought in Bali and I've got a pair of PJs (I need at least one more pair-possibly 2 more) and slippers and a gown (that doesnt close but will hopefully after). I've also got a book called "how to crack an egg with one hand" that my mom bought me-full of useful stuff for moms.

 Also toiletries, cell phone charger, my notebook full of lists of things, some sucking sweet (apparently the gas and air makes you really thirsty and sparkles are the best thing for it). Um, 8 hour cream (which I cant live without), my Ipod and a whole load of other bits and bobs. You would never think we live 2 mins from the hospital, the way I'm obsessing over these stupid bags!

I've been in a lot of pain the last few days, she hasn't dropped yet but my pelvis and hips are really hurting and click when I roll over in bed which sucks. I'm also getting really bad leg cramps at night, which really keep me awake or wake me up. So I'm really looking forward to her coming out so I can go back to feeling normal. I hope she comes at 38 weeks, I really think she will, I think she'll come on the 27th (trying to think it into reality) Shaun says between the 1st and the 5th. So well see!

xox

Blessings

I read a quote yesterday that said "What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday" and I thought "what would I land up with?" I'd land up with a healthy baby, my wonderful husband and my awesome friends and family. I never seem to thank God for my house, or car or new dishwasher, but for the people that make my life worth living. What are we really without the people in our lives? Empty shells with nothing else. I am as materialistic as the next person- let's be honest now, but when it comes down to it none of that stuff matters. So this post is about counting my many blessings. I am first and for mostly blessed with the most wonderful husband, who is kind and caring and is going to be such an amazing father to our little girl. I'm also blessed with my little girl, although I haven't met her yet, I have such a bond with her already. I feel as if I've known her for years and she's not even here yet. 
Shaun and I are blessed with such wonderful parents. They are so giving and caring and help us out all the time, they just support us and offer us such guidance and strength and we are so so lucky to have them. I hope they all know that "thank you" can never express the enormous gratitude we feel towards them. 
Our siblings and wonderful friends and family are a daily blessing to us, for always offering an ear to moan to about being pregnant for 50 years, or just a chat about the weather. They are always there no matter what, and I only hope they know that we are there for them as well. 
We're both blessed with grandparents- in fact I'm blessed with two great grandmothers! They are a wealth of support and love to us and constantly check in, purely because they love us. Our little girl is about to be born into this spectacular family, and she is going to bring us such joy. She's a very lucky girl in my opinion!

Big Baby

When we went for out 32 week scan my doctor said BIG BABY! He said she was getting very big and advised I went for a Gestational Diabetes test just to ensure there was nothing wrong with my sugar levels. He didn't seem worried at all, as she was only 400g over the usual size, but was just being cautious. So I had to go and get blood taken- which I just loved :-s and then drink this sweet lemonade and wait an hour and be poked again and get more blood taken. Turns out everything is fine, shes just big. Shes not actually that big but the doc wont deliver her naturally if shes bigger than 4 kgs in case her shoulders get stuck. So I'm ok with that, although I really don't want a C-section if its the best thing for us I'll do it. Thankfully our doctor doesn't like C-sections at all so he wont push it if not absolutely necessary. She was 2.9 at our last scan, which was 34 weeks- Im now 36 weeks and our next scan is Thursday. I don't think she'll be 4 kgs, the doc thinks she'll be 3.7 which is a good size. I hope she comes in the next 2 weeks- Im a bit over this now!

Baby Shower

My baby shower was on the 9th July in Jhb at my moms house. I flew up on the Thursday and hung out with my dad on Thursday night and spent the day with my mom on Friday. Saturday was spent rushing around cooking and prepping for the 30 plus people we had invited. Firstly Russell arrived bringing millions of floating pink balloons and beautiful flowers, they Jenn arrived and turned the house into a pink baby paradise! Mom made the most amazing food and we were finally ready. Everyone arrived at 2 and I was flabbergasted at the amount of presents we received! I had seriously thought I'd fit most of what we got into my suitcase! HA! Thank goodness for my mom in law who was driving down to Durbs the following week, and offered to bring it all down. We had a lovely time, although I didn't get to spend as much time with everyone as I had hoped. We got so spoilt and I have 99% of the stuff I need for Lily now! Here are some pics of our wonderful day!